August, 2018 – Just Being Real

August, 2018 – Just Being Real

The following is taken from a page in my journal – July 24, 2018, to be exact:

“Struggling, Lord!  REALLY struggling!!  I’ve seen the plaques/signs at various shops saying – “I can’t do adult today.”  Well, Lord – went through most of my morning saying – “I can’t do ‘Christian’ today; I can’t do ‘life’ today!”  I feel as though my life is being choked out of me.  I feel as though I am held down on my back with hands around my neck trying to choke me to death spiritually and emotionally.  I sense the ‘enemy’ Heimlich maneuvering me until he squeezes every bit of life – every bit of the Holy Spirit out of me – spewed out on the ground.”

In addition to an on-going difficulty in my life, I found myself being deeply hurt by someone I really don’t even know – and definitely should never have taken their comment personally.  How many times have I heard, “Don’t let someone’s negativity define who you are?”  I had internalized this person’s comment to great detriment to myself.  I wandered around my flat for a couple of hours emotionally wounded – or as I like to think ‘sucking my thumb’ – and begging God to take this hurt from my head, my heart, from every part of me.

Eventually, I got on my knees by my cot – and poured out my heart to the Lord.  And in the midst of all my wailing and noisiness and pouring out my plight before God, I began to hear a tune in my head.  And then, I began to remember some of the words that went to that tune.  It was an old hymn from when I was young.  I kept humming the melody over and over – finally had to go to the Internet to look up all the words to the song except for the one line God had chosen to put in my head – to rescue me.  (Psalm 118.5)  That one line was, ‘fill my cup, Lord’.  The rest of the chorus goes:

                                    ‘Fill my cup, Lord, I lift it up, Lord

                                    Come and quench this thirsting in my soul

                                    Bread from Heaven, feed me ‘til I want no more

                                    (Here’s) my cup, fill it up and make me whole.’

This pain and the process to healing didn’t happen as quickly as it seems to be related in this writing.  But ultimately, I had been focusing on the crisis, rather than Christ.  He had the answer.  I needed to see Him;  I needed to be filled – my cup filled up – with the Holy Spirit.  (Luke 1.15, Acts 4.8, 11.24, 13.9, 13.52, Ephesians 5.18)  I prayed all day for the Lord to fill me, truly ‘til I wanted no more’.  He gave me Scripture to go to, messages to listen to – He gave me His ear to receive from my heart.  Eventually my distress before God turned into prayer for this person who perhaps, unknowingly, had been used to try to destroy me.

What the Lord has called me to do through Love From Above in Romania is difficult.  I’m being real!  There is nothing glamorous or romantic about it.  What I see and what I hear and what I have learned should not ever be considered anything but hard.  Difficult.  Emotionally and spiritually wearing.  I don’t want, ask for, or expect anyone’s approval, but when those difficult times approach, if I’m not where I’m supposed to be in Christ, then I not only can’t do ‘adult’, I can’t do ‘Christian’, and I can’t do ‘life’.  But!  ‘I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me – Who fills me – fills my cup, so lovingly, longingly, and willingly ‘til I want no more . . .’